When “We Don’t Know” Is the Honest Answer - Discernment Counseling Might Be What You Need
Sometimes couples come to me not knowing what they want. Recently, a couple reached out wanting couples therapy, but as we talked, it became clear that’s not quite where they were. One of them had quietly been wondering if they were done. The other was holding on, hoping therapy would be their savior.
But before you can work on a relationship, you need to know if you want to. Jumping into couples therapy when you’re not sure you want to be there doesn’t usually help. You’re trying to build something while one or both of you is still deciding whether the building is worth saving.
What this couple needed first was space to slow down and figure that out.
That’s what Discernment Counseling is for.
So What Is Discernment Counseling, Exactly?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, structured process, usually one to five sessions, designed specifically for couples who are ambivalent about the future of their relationship. It was developed by Dr. William Doherty at the University of Minnesota, and it’s built on a simple but important premise: before you can work on a relationship, you need to know if you want to.
It’s not about fixing anything. It’s not about communication exercises or homework or processing old arguments. It’s about clarity. It’s about getting honest, with yourself first, about where you are and what you actually want.
By the end, couples are working toward one of three paths:
• Stay and do the work - committing to couples therapy with a genuine intention to improve the relationship
• Separate or divorce - making that decision thoughtfully and with mutual respect
• Take more time - choosing to hold off on any major decision while continuing to explore
There’s no pressure to arrive at a particular answer. The goal is just that whatever you decide, you decide it clearly.
What It Is Not
It’s worth being clear about this, because there are some real misconceptions.
Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy. There’s no working on communication, no exercises, no processing old arguments. That’s not the goal, at least not yet.
It’s also not separation counseling or divorce counseling. Nobody is helping you plan an exit.
And it’s not about persuading anyone to stay or to leave. There’s no agenda about the outcome. My job isn’t to have an opinion about what you should do. My job is to help you figure out what you actually want, clearly and honestly, without the allure of freedom or the fog of exhaustion and conflict clouding everything.
How Does It Work?
Discernment Counseling sessions look a little different from traditional couples therapy. There’s time together in the room, but there’s also individual time: each person speaking privately with me, without the other partner present. This matters because ambivalence is often hard to voice in front of your partner. People edit themselves. They perform certainty they don’t feel, or they hold back doubt to protect the other person.
The individual time creates room for honesty that’s hard to access otherwise.
I’m not taking sides. I’m not trying to save the relationship or end it. My job is to help each of you get clear about where you actually stand, and then to help you come to a decision together that you can both live with.
One thing worth saying: some people come in already leaning toward divorce, not because they’re certain that’s what they want, but because they’re desperate. They’ve been in pain for so long that ending it feels like the only way out. Discernment Counseling creates space to look at that more carefully. Some couples who come in convinced it’s over end up deciding they want to try, and choose to stay and try counseling instead. Others do move toward divorce, but they get there with clearer eyes, a better understanding of what it actually involves, and without the kind of desperation that leads to regret. Either way, the decision gets made from a more grounded place.
Who Is It For?
Discernment Counseling is worth considering if:
• One of you is thinking about leaving while the other wants to stay
• You’ve both lost confidence that things can change, even if part of you still hopes they can
• You’ve tried couples therapy before and it didn’t feel like the right fit, maybe because one of you wasn’t really there yet
• You want to make this decision, whatever it is, without regret
It’s also worth naming what it’s not for. If there is active domestic violence in the relationship, Discernment Counseling is not the appropriate starting point. Safety comes first, always. It’s also not recommended when substance dependence is active and untreated, as that needs to be addressed first. Finally, it’s not for couples where one partner has already made a final, firm decision to end the relationship, because the whole process depends on some degree of openness on both sides.
Why Does This Even Need to Be Its Own Thing?
Because trying to do couples therapy with a couple who isn’t sure they want to be there often doesn’t work, and can actually make things worse. When one partner is ambivalent and the other is fully invested, the imbalance creates tension that’s hard to work through. The person who’s unsure can feel pressured. The person who’s committed can feel like they’re dragging the other along. It can turn into another source of conflict rather than a path toward healing.
Discernment Counseling acknowledges the reality of where you are. It doesn’t ask you to pretend you’re somewhere you’re not.
A Note on Ambivalence
If any part of this resonates, it’s worth knowing that ambivalence about a relationship is not a character flaw. It’s not weakness. It’s not a sign that the decision has already been made somewhere underneath.
It usually means the opposite: that this matters, and you’re taking it seriously. That’s exactly the right starting point.
A Note from Me
I’ve been doing this work for a long time, and one of the things I believe most deeply is that people deserve to make the big decisions in their lives with clarity and intention, not from a place of panic, guilt, or sheer exhaustion.
If you’re not sure what you want, that’s okay. That’s human. And there’s actually help designed for exactly that moment.
If you’d like to learn more, click below to contact us.
