Gottman Method Couples Therapy
It's the same fight, and you both know your lines.
By the time a couple calls me, they can usually recite the argument. Who says the first sharp thing, where it turns, who walks out of the room. What's hard to see from inside it is the pattern that's been running underneath the whole time.
Is this fixable? Yes.
What the Gottman Method is
It started as research, not as a theory.
Forty years of research
John and Julie Gottman spent forty years watching thousands of real couples in a laboratory: how they argued, how they made up, what they did in the ordinary minutes in between. Then they followed those couples for years to see which relationships lasted. What we do in session came out of that, observed in real couples and then tested, rather than reasoned out from a theory about what ought to help.
Built around the two of you
Assessment comes first so we can see the way you do it. Connect, discuss, argue, give each other the benefit of the doubt (or not.) The research offers solutions that can help everyone, but our treatment plan is built around the two of you.
Conflict is the heart
It's often where the most hurt is, so it's where we start. Most disagreements between two people are not going to be solved, so what changes is how you handle them.
But there's more
The other part is connection, the friendship and intimacy that let you see each other more generously, which is what makes the same argument easier to manage.
And why?
Sooner or later a couple wants to know why their fights go the way they do. We look deeper to break the pattern that's been running things, and then we find new ones.
How the work goes
Three phases: assessment, therapy, graduation.
Assessment - Create
Four parts, and by the end of them we both know what we are working on.
Therapy - Progress
Couples work here in long sessions rather than an hour a week, most of them early on, with the length and spacing shaped around your goals and your life.
Sessions are structured and skills based. You are given resources and guided through both the positive exercises and the difficult conversations. Couples begin to feel more connected, like you're on the same team, and that shifts the way the difficult conversations go. Couples start talking more and more outside of session, too.
How couples therapy works here →Graduation - Maintain
Your progress leads you to a feeling of togetherness. You feel intimate, cherished, and can talk about disagreements in ways that make you stronger. You come back every so often to work through something or learn something new.
You're maintaining your gains.
The four moves that predict trouble
Watching couples argue in the lab, the Gottmans found that what a couple fought about mattered far less than how they fought. Four particular moves did the damage, so reliably that their presence could be used to predict which couples would separate. They are called the Four Horsemen, and each one has an antidote that can be learned.
Of the four, contempt does the most damage. But they all leave couples feeling unheard and disconnected.
A framework for seeing your relationship clearly
Think of your relationship as a house. Seven floors and two pillars, each influencing each other.
Most couples have floors that are solid and floors that need work. Knowing where your house is strong and where it needs attention is exactly what lets us do focused work together.
Nobody scores well everywhere. The assessment tells us where your house is already strong, so the work goes where it will actually make a difference.
Which of your floors are holding?
Answer our questionnaire to find out. Seven questions, two minutes, nothing saved.
What Certified Gottman Therapist means
Trained personally with Drs John and Julie Gottman.
Being a Certified Gottman Therapist means I have attained the highest level of recognition the Gottman Institute offers. It qualifies me to conduct trainings for couples and for therapists, and to keep learning alongside an elite network of colleagues all over the world, including John and Julie Gottman.
There are only around 600 Certified Gottman Therapists in the world. It is the highest standard there is for this evidence based work with couples.
As a Certified Gottman Therapist and Emotion Focused Couples Therapist, I weave together these two methods. Gottman offers a clear, research based framework, alternatives to the four horsemen, and a simultaneous focus on lasting connection.
EFT carries that work further down, to the emotions and attachment needs underneath. Drawing on both lets me meet a couple where they are and go as deep as the moment calls for.
How I combine Emotion Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method
As deep as the moment calls for.
Where to start
Working on the long term health of your relationship shores up the two pillars everything else stands on, trust and commitment, and deepens the intimacy between you.